Starting and sustaining a business is no easy task. This would be true even if it were possible to miraculously stop the other moving parts that contribute to this journey we call life. But, of course, as we're striving to create a better future for our families and the communities in which we live, we still have homes to keep up, children to raise, partners to support, friends to entertain, other social and cultural commitments to uphold, and we must not forget (which we usually do) to squeeze some self care in there some where. That's a ton of juggling to do with only 24 hours in every day. And you know what, we do it. Because we seem to think other women have the same responsibilities and restraints on their time and they make it work. So we can too. Its the common misconception that keeps too many women chained to their anxiety. I know because I was one of those women.
1) Stop Comparing Yourself
Comparison is a dangerously slippery slope. The "trip" usually starts with downward social comparison (comparing yourself to someone you've deemed below you) because that tends feels better...or atleast it starts out feeling better. Maybe Mary's car is crappy and you just bought a new car. Maybe Jessica's husband left her and you've been married for 10- 20 years. Maybe Lauren's job sucks and you have your own thriving business. Regardless of the scenario, it starts off feeling like a pat on the back. In reality it's the start or continuation of a damaging habit that increases your anxiety and decreases yourself esteem.
When you have anxiety worrying is easy to do and having your mind free from turbulence is a task in itself. Which means, what comes after the downward comparison isn't really a celebratory pat on the back. In reality:
A) You start to worry about keeping the thing that makes you "better" than the person you're comparing yourself to.
B) You find an area of their life that is better in comparison to yours and get caught in a debate with yourself about which "thing" holds more weight the fact that she X or the fact that you Y & Z.
C) You move on to the next person and find that your life, although better than Mary's, Jessica's, and Lauren's, is no match for the flourishing Tracy, Catherine, and Tiffany happen to be enjoying right now.
All roads of comparison lead to anxiety because you will never be perfect and you will never be them. Take solitude in those two facts. Regardless of who you believe to be the creator, She or He created us all. Not one better than the other, but every one unique and individual in their own right. That is your power. Resist the urge to compare yourself to your idols and girl crushes as well as the women struggling to find their way. Their position in life doesn't mean anything to yours. Instead, encourage women no matter where they are on their journey. That's the "pat on the back" that lasts.
2) Outsource That S**t
It's hard to leave your baby with someone you barely know. Even when that someone is a credible professional like a teacher or daycare worker and you're 90% sure that your baby is in good hands..they aren't your hands. This is how I felt about every single aspect of my business. I didn't really want anyone to respond to my emails, create my branded images , or schedule my social media because they probably wouldn't do it like I would. So instead of finding reliable people to help me, I took on creating, sustaining, and scaling my business(es) alone doing everything from marketing and advertising, social media management, and research, to emails, meetings, and phone calls.
I literally had 5 projects running simultaneously and wondered why I couldn't get organized and always felt so overwhelmed. Well, after I had my daughter all that " I need to do everything myself" nonsense changed completely. The one thing I was determined to do myself was raise my little girl. That couldn't/wouldn't be assigned to anyone else. And that's where you begin the transition. Figure out which tasks you aren't willing to give away. Maybe your emails show the most conversion quality of all your content so you'll keep that on your to-do list, but you aren't 100% confident in your ability to connect with your tribe via social media. OUTSOURCE THAT S**T! It's better for your mental health as well as business when you make decisions that allow you to work on the things that are aligned with your skills and talents and hire your weaknesses.
3) Set S.M.A.R.T Goals
We all have a dream. It's incredibly hard to be an entrepreneur without vision. If you're anything like me, you have days where you feel incredibly capable, and days that you feel completely crazy for feeling so capable that other day. The quality of my goals once depended on which day you caught me on. On my capable days, I would dream from behind the huge office with the floor to ceiling windows and branded wall in my mind. Those days my goals were amazing and full of hope for the future. More hoping than planing. On my "Girl, are you crazy" days, the only goals I could seem to muster up would be to find a way to pay the bills and a reason to get out of bed. To be completely honest, while my capable days were necessary, they were all but wasted.
S.M.A.R.T goals are goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based. Following this format for your goal setting ensures that you are setting goals that are achievable which is important because the feeling of defeat and incapability that that "missing the mark" leaves behind can be crippling to an entrepreneur. S.M.A.R.T goals also give you a mini plan that takes you from where you are to where you want to be with an allotted time to complete the journey.
To get started, at the top of a sheet of paper, write down where you are in one aspect of your life. Try to be as specific as possible. For example, right now I have 150 female entrepreneurs who have shown interest in collaborating with Her Hustle Magazine.
Next, at the bottom of the page, write down where you want to be with the same specificity (yes that's a word...I checked) if not more, than where you are. Remember the "where you want to be" is the actual goal. My example: I would like to increase the number of female entrepreneurs who are willing to collaborate with Her Hustle Magazine to 300 by the end of 2020.
Last but not least, fill the space between where you are now and where you want to be with the steps it's going to take to get you from here to there.
You walk away with a ton of tiny blueprints and less anxiety because you just made your goals your (beep).
4) Contingency Plans-
Conquer the “Worst Case Scenario”
I had no idea what a contingency plan was until I went to get certified as a wedding planner. I was amazed that there was such an easy solution to calming the anxiety surrounding planning a wedding. Let's be clear, having anxiety is alot like planning your wedding every day of your life. The worry and what ifs can get out of control FAST, especially when you're working with clients who have high expectations and running a business for which your expectations are even higher. After completing my first contingency plan I felt like I could face being the coordinator of someone's dreams because I was prepared. And that is saying alot for me.
A contingency plan is easy to create because it's you literally asking yourself, "What else could go wrong?". This isn't the usual prescription for anxiety, but trust me on this one. Worry and write down everything that comes to mind leaving room between each worry. Wouldn't it be perfect if solutions flooded our minds as effortlessly as problems that hadn't occurred? Right, well here's where we retrain our brains to challenge our negative beliefs and assumptions. Next to the worry - write the solution. You see, worrying is coming up with issues that haven't occurred yet and contingency plans are solutions to the problems that could, but ,haven't occurred either. In reality, your anxiety renders you a contingency expert because you're constantly thinking of what could go wrong or what already has. This way, every time that dreadful and uneasy feeling starts to fill your body you can go back to your contingencies and remember that you're fully equipped to handle whatever comes your way.
5) The best self-care is the care you give to yourself...
When people would speak of self-care I would think of maintenance. Pedicures, manicures, shopping- the kind of things that made me look better even if I felt like toilet dwellings. Some where along the line I learned that the best care...the kind that matters most, is the care I give to myself. The long candle lit bubble baths and audio books, mediation and controlled breathing, daily affirmations, skin care regimens, diets (which I won't lie and say I've participated in), rest, #relaxation. For some reason, when it came time to care for me, my efforts were focused more on what people saw and not how I actually felt. Which, needless to say, left me feeling even more depleted because I was then made to keep up appearances. #Anxiety Central.
The best thing you can do for your anxiety or the war you're raging against it, is to build a loving relationship with yourself. The saying that has become the foundation for our relationships with others is, "treat people as you want to be treated". Now it's time to treat yourself as you have been taught to treat others. It may seem shallow, selfish, and narcissistic, but only because society has programmed us to see self indulgence as as flaw to keep us giving outwardly and serving the purposes of others. Those are big shoes to fill. And even though we fill them, and make them look good, it's time to learn to take them off and put them under the bed out of view while we focus on us. As a friend and coach asked me recently..."how can you give to the world from an empty cup?" I replied..."honestly, I fill my cup with blood, sweat, and tears, just so I can keep giving." It's something I was proud of. Giving even when I didn't have anything to give. But that very thing is what kept me from really owning my business and walking into my purpose. Nothing you do will reach it's potential if you don't first, and then habitually, nurture the woman you are.
Running a business is no different.
6) Set A Schedule & Clock Out
We're not going to talk about the amount of times my overactive mind teamed up with my ambition and literally had me working on something...anything for 12 hours or more per day. Even as a new mom I find myself up in the wee hours of the night (like right now) checking something off my never ending to-do list. As a portfolio entrepreneur, I know all too well how close to impossible it is to put down your notebook(s), turn off your computer, and say no to business related calls etc. There is no time-clock and quite fittingly because you never clock out. Yes, I get it. But that doesn't mean its a good habit.
We're ambitious. We're creative. We're curious. We have to be if we're going to create a business that is able to survive in any financial climate. We make our own schedules and have the freedom and flexibility (in most cases) to work where ever we want. That's a plus until it's not and either you can't make yourself do anything or you can't stop yourself from doing something. As with anything in life the key is balance. Finding a schedule that works for you and sticking to it is a sure sign that you're fighting your anxiety for control of your business and winning. You're not letting the fear of losing customers make you take phone calls after 8pm. You're refusing to accept that meeting on Sundays. And you will shut down your computer by 7pm every evening or not pick it up until Monday. Setting a schedule is setting boundaries for yourself, your family, and your clients. Trust me, what is meant for you is already yours! You don't have to run yourself in the ground to walk in your purpose.
7) Learn to Say No.
As I wrote down this particular step, I had to stop and wonder if I personally battled with this issue. As my personality would have it, I am quite familiar with saying no...it's not standing by my answer or feeling bad for it that I struggle with. I find myself preparing my explanation like a well written article to be paired with my nos. Why is it that no isn't enough? Well because people are offended by no. Hell, I'm offended by no. There's this one woman that I think of in just about every project that comes to mind and I promise you...just about every project I bring to her she gives me her version of "thanks but no thanks". It felt like rejection. It felt personal as if she didn't believe in my project(s), but the truth is...the projects didn't align with her vision for her brand or her life. It had nothing to do with me and/or the validity she place on my projects. What was once disdain transformed into major respect because it's not easy living in your truth unapologetically. But it is necessary.
The turbulent relationship we have with saying no is, in a sense, the same relationship we have with our power which keeps women apologizing and/or using other undermining language such as, "I guess or I think", when in reality we know and are confident in what comes next...or what came before. For some reason, we feel that to be valued we must be moldable or impressionable if you will. We have to be willing to do things we don't want to do and say things we only half mean in order to keep our relationships with people in tact. That maybe true but only when you're attempting to stay connected to the wrong people. Saying no, making matter of fact statements, not second guessing yourself or opening your mind to be molded by your peers doesn't render you unlikable. It renders you in control of your life. Less anxious and with more peace of mind.
Now's the time to say what you mean and stand by it. For yourself and your business.
8) Reevaluate Your Circle
There are times when our inability to feel at ease is being brought on by the people and energy we allow in our presence. I can't count the times I was having a good day until I connected with a "friend" who didn't do or say anything wrong, but completely affected my energy in a negative way. As a matter of fact, while this "friend" was a regular part of my life...my ambition and creativity were at an all time low. It wasn't until I stepped away from the friendship did I begin to blossom. "Tell me with whom you associate, and I'll tell you who you are."- A guy named John Wolfgang
It's important to protect your peace at all times. That's with or without anxiety, but especially with it. That means the people around you should have positive energy and good vibes because it's hard enough to slow down the negative thoughts without you having any help corrupting them. If your anxiety flares around certain people it could be because your energy is being depleted by their presence and your mind and body are communicating that with you. If you're experiencing this...reevaluate your circle. That includes staff and potential clients. Cleanse and protect your space. Think of it this way...if they were meant to go where you're headed they would be equipped to help you fly or atleast weightless enough that they don't hinder your flight.
9) Reconnect With Nature- Frequently
This doesn't mean you have to go for a hike or plan a family camping trip any time soon. I for one, am not the "outdoorsy" kind of girl. However, my anxiety makes it all too easy to stay comfortably tucked in the house and and away from the worries anything else introduces to the equation. There's nothing wrong with having moments to yourself. Being in a space where you enjoy your own company is a beautiful place to be. Never leaving that place because it's beautiful isn't healthy. Not to mention that when you are faced with the inevitable task of going back into the world your anxiety will be at an all time high because you've gotten comfortable being "tucked away".
The best way to stay mindful, present, and stress free is to reconnect with nature even when you don't want to be bothered with people. Go for a walk, enjoy a magazine (Her Hustle Magazine) on the back porch, visit the beach at sunrise. No matter how you do it - make sure you take a moment to reconnect or grow your connection with the universe. This is not a thinking exercise. What you're thinking about isn't as important as what you're doing and seeing. You can always return to your she-shed when the moment is over. But enjoying nature is one moment of your life that keeps on giving.
10) Readjust Your Perception- Find the Opportunity in Failure
One of our biggest fears is that we will try, with all our might, and fail horrifically.... and publicly. I once understood that fear, but after pursuing so many endeavors, you learn that it isn't failure as much as it is an opportunity to learn something. Something about yourself. Something about your market, industry, or niche. Something about the people you love or life in general. If you think of it that way, failure is inevitable because it is necessary. It forces us to grow. To adjust and adapt...and if you're not learning and/or growing you're not really living. Be honest - if nothing ever came to challenge you and everything went perfectly...would you ever look deeper, change directions, or reevaluate your plan(s)? I wouldn't. If everything went perfectly I would probably still be selling costume jewelry never realizing I'm best suited as a service provider opposed to a saleswoman of merchandise. Never having the real life experience of starting and earning from multiple businesses in multiple industries over the last 10 years which ultimately helped me to become the branding expert I am to today. I never would've had the confidence or skill to start and sustain multiple projects simultaneously. That came from making mistakes. Trying and failing. Running and falling. Even after pursuing a degree in business management, I can say with complete conviction that I learned more about business on the way down during a fall than I did in a text book.
Every endeavor I've embarked on during my entrepreneurial journey and every mistake I've ever made led me here, typing this article at 4am, for a magazine that will serve as a platform to women entrepreneurs across the globe. The fashion jewelry business that turned into that personal styling endeavor, that ended up being that beauty-on-demand situation, and still didn't make me enough money so I had to moonlight as a virtual assistant as well, which transformed into a wedding and event planning company, solidified my expertise in branding and sparked my passion for supporting other women with dreams. Each step, each change, and each mistake along that journey taught me something that was necessary to be the woman who attracted this moment in my life. When you realize that there is opportunity for growth not despite of but because of the storm...your fear of failure and the crippling anxiety it leaves behind will be replaced with your excitement and anticipation knowing that storms just give you the opportunity to dance in the rain.
FIRE YOUR ANXIETY. OWN YOUR BUSINESS. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.
I DARE YOU
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